my cat is biting me
a letter to my dear friend
hey. you might not want to hear from me right now, but i wanted to let you know that my cat is snuggled up with me in my bed. he’s trying to bite me- his paws grasp for my fingers, while his eyes light up as my hand makes its way to rub his belly.
eventually, he snatches my hand, bringing it near to his frightfully sharp teeth. soon enough, my fingers are in his mouth. i can sense the warmth of his breath. i can anticipate the pain he’s going to unleash.
my cat doesn’t realise he’s hurting my hand. after all, he’s just looking for someone to play with. as his teeth begin to penetrate my delicate skin, i let out a yelp, pulling my hand back. he’ll never understand that after he’s bitten me, i (playfully) scold him. but he probably thinks that i don’t want to play with him- he doesn’t know i feel bad because of him.
now he’s just ignoring me. sure, my cat’s still on my bed and in my presence, but his once-gleeful green eyes have shrunken into pity, guilt, and sorrow. i try to pat him again, but he doesn’t really move. instead, his eyes slowly shut. as if he just wants to block me out.
oddly, this reminded me of you. you never wanted to hurt me that day. i never meant to hurt you by ignoring you. i left you in silence- inaudibly scolding you for something you never knew you’ve done.
now we’re sitting next to each other, not acknowledging the pain in both of our souls as our backs each other. our eyes dodge each other, moving at the speed of light when they lock for a mere millisecond. i miss the warm gaze from your deep, glossy, coffee-coloured eyes.
you might never truly know why i ignored you that day. maybe it was the tone in your words, or the short, sharp stings coming out of your mouth. it might be the amount of times you’ve broken my heart into pieces, merely by saying a few words. they might’ve been jokes to you, but for me, it was as if you were holding my stone heart in your tight grasp, slowly cracking it until it crumbles to dust. you bit me, but you didn’t know it hurt me.
and of course it would pain me to tell you that you’re slowly tearing my love apart. i love you so much that it hurts to tell you that you’re not perfect. like you’re not who my head and my heart told me you were. you’ll never read this but i hope you know that i’m truly sorry for thinking like that. for doing all of this.
now, my mind is clouded with guilt, as is yours. i really wish that we could both forget this ever happened, but i know you won’t. i wish we could slowly shut our eyes and put this all aside, but we won’t. at least not for a period of time. one day, you’ll come around, just like my cat, who is sleeping soundly beside me as i write.
i love you so much that i want to protect you from all the hurt. right now, i am the hurt.
this is deep